Easter Bunny at the Mall

Easter is a holiday that I never really celebrated. It means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, especially depending on their respective religions. Myself being basically raised non-denominational christian, things seem fairly easy. You dress up nice in your suits and dresses, girls get to put on Easter hats, and the little white gloves. Everyone in the family goes to church - NO MATTER WHAT! as Step dad would threaten us. Then afterwards you had the big family dinner. For us, it usually was just our family as all us kids were still at home. I always hated having to wear a tie - and to this day I just about refuse to wear one, except where is needed out of strictest need or out of respect. Another scar from this holiday, but will share that another time. For now, let me take you back about 15 years ago or so. I had recently graduated from high school, my brother was like a Sophomore I think. Now think about the commercials back on TV back then... one in particular, the M&M commercial.

M&M had had this commercial on for a number of years, and the normal person would tell you it is "cute". It has all these kids saying "Thank you Mr. Easter Bunny", and they hold a package of M&M's in their hand(s) (prior to ripping it open and smearing them all over I am sure). What I consider just another wonderful marketing tool to get people to buy, of all things, baskets of candies for their kids on a holiday supposedly reflecting the death and arising of a major spiritual figure. How does candy fit in there? Let alone a damn rabbit that lays eggs, in hidden places, for kids to find. I raised rabbits for years, and they sure as shit never left behind no eggs.... but I am getting off topic...

One Saturday prior to the Easter weekend, my brother, his friend Jason, and I were "cruisin'" the mall, "scopin' for Betties" as we used to say. We had been there a couple hours and were pretty bored with what little action there was going on. Outside one particular card/curio shop, the managers had decided to have someone in a bunny outfit handing little candies out to kids as they pass the store (another marketing idea exploiting a religious holiday). First thing that pops into my head is that old M&M commercial... I have no understanding why, but it does. With a wicked gleam in my eye, I turned to look at Stuart and Jason. They had seen the rabbit costume when I had, and didn't understand what I was thinking.

" I Dare one of you to go up to that guy in the bunny outfit, " I said.

"And what?" Stuart asks. "Wave to him?"

"No," I stated. " You have to hug him and as loud as you can, say 'Thank you Mr. Easter Bunny!! Thank You!' and then walk on til you are around the corner."

Jason is struck with the giggles at this point and says no way is he doing it. So Stuart agrees after a few minutes negotiating. As he turns to head down that direction, I called him back.

"There is one more catch, " I added, that wicked gleam in my eye surely is blinding him now. "You have to walk to him, say the phrase, and walk on down around the corner ... as if you were a retard, or autistic, kid. I mean, the stumble/shuffle walk, the funny speech. Add drool for better presentation."

Stuart is just looking at me. Jason is laughing his ass off. Finally he says okay - I think there was some money involved with it too, but I don't remember for sure. Anyways, I have him wait until Jason & I are just across the walkway so we can see the whole thing, when here comes Stuart.

- A brief note about my brother Stuart. Back in the day, he came up with some crazy ass shit he would do, dared or not. One of these acts he had worked up was exactly what I was having him do. Stuart was always good at it, and had at times, did the drop and pretend to have seizure - in the middle of McDonald's no less, while I am trying to eat. He used to be a crazy mofo.

So here comes Stuart down, shuffling and stumbling, one arm tweaked across his chest, mouth opening and smacking shut with a little drool down the chin. He's still like 3 doors down and Jason and I are damn near busting our gut watching him. People are stopping and staring at him and they pass by, or as they exit the stores. Stuart stops about 15 feet from the Bunny guy, and gets this look of awe, or maybe it is fear, on his face and just stands there staring at the Bunny. The Bunnysuit has no clue what to do. At this exact moment there are no shoppers close, and he has this teenage appearing retard standing and staring at him. It was almost like an old western stand-off.

Finally the pressure breaks and Stuart starts loping/running towards the Bunny with his arms outstretched, hollering out loud "Thank you Mr. Easter Bunny!!! Thank You!!" and wraps up the Bunny in a huge bear hug. Bunny still does not know what to do, so he pats Stuart on the back. Stuart lets go after about 20 seconds (one of those hugs was like 15 seconds too long and embarrassing things). The Bunny actually hands Stuart one of the candies from the basket. Stuart looks at it - I think it was some sort of chocolate marshmallow thing, and looks at the Bunny and says something along the lines of "This not the candy you give on TV. I want M&M's. I want M&M's" He starts yelling this about 4 or 5 times. I am on my knees laughing so hard. All of a sudden. Stuart drops the candy, turns, and shuffles off the other direction like nothing happened.

By the time we caught up to him, Stuart had made it to a bench and was laughing as hard as he could as well. I couldn't believe he had pulled it off, but he did. And to this day, whenever I think of that commercial, or even see it as they still play it once in awhile, I bust out laughing thinking about the retard and the Bunny at the Mall.